Blind Pilots
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be
blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide
dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers
do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However,
after a few minutes the engines start up and the airplane begins moving
down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to
the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once,
and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going
to scream and we're gonna get killed!"
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Counterfeit Money
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony
$18 bills would be in some small southern hick town. So he got into his
new wheels and off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed
one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change
this for me, please?" he asked.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told
the man, "Sure, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
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Three Gifts
3 sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together
they discussed gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "Ha, I got you both beat. Remember how
mother loved to read the Bible? And you know that she can't see very well?
Well, I sent her an amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took
Church elders 14 years to teach him. Mom just has to name the chapter
and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Adam," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so big.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Jon," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel and
stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver
is so rude!"
"Dearest Gerald," she wrote to her third son, "You have
the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was absolutley
delicious..."
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Atheist Husband
One day a young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her Mother
- "Mom, Bryan just proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her Mother asked.
"Well, he also told me that he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even
believe that hell exists!"
Her mother replied, "Honey, marry him anyway. Between the two of
us, we'll show him how wrong he really is."
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Only in America
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
rink.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to
the counters.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a "diet" coke.
Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages
of eight.
Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe
the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many"
and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures."
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Little Tom's Goldfish
Little Tom was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tom?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tom tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's
an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tom patted down the
last heap of earth then replied, "that's because he's inside your
cat.
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Gone Hunting
Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on
the farm. For the first few days, his uncle showed him the usual things-
chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious
that Little Johnny was getting bored, and his uncle was running out of
things to amuse him with.
Finally, Uncle Joe had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the
dogs, and go shooting?"
This seemed to cheer Little Johnny up, and with enthusiasm, off he went,
dogs in trail. After a few hours, Little Johnny returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked Uncle Joe.
"It was great!" exclaimed Little Johnny. "Got any more
dogs?"
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The "C" Paper
Students at a New England university operated a "bank" of term
papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs.
The "bank" had A grade, B grade, and C grade papers, since it
would be rather suspicious if an undistinguished student suddenly handed
in a brilliant essay.
A student, who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his assignment,
went to the "bank" and purchased a paper with an inconspicuous
C grade. He then retyped it and handed in the work to his professor.
In due course, the student received the paper back with the professor's
comments, which read...
"I wrote this paper myself 25 years ago and I always thought it should
have been graded an A, so now I'm more than pleased to give it one!"
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Talking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student
led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends
asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear-
shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock
it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
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Religious Confusion
A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at
the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.
After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house,
goes straight into his bedroom and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are
a little worried about this and go to his bedroom to see if he is okay.
Then they find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps
doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings
home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they
see under math an A+. Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son what
changed your mind about learning math? The son looked at mom and dad and
said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I
saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's
desk and I knew they meant business."
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The Plight of a CEO
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him
with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against
a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took
a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's
end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the
first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press --
and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message
read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and
opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
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Fire Photographer
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of
a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good
shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It
will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was
warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled,
"Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind
and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire,"
said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!
I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer
with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You
mean you're not the instructor?"
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Struggling Actor
Jacob had always wanted to be an actor, but never succeeded because he
had a hard time remember lines. A friend of his told him about a bit part
in a community play. He assured Jacob that he could do it because he'd
only have to remember one line. Jacob dedided to take the part. His only
line was, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
Jacob practiced and practiced, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
The opening night of the play Jacob was very nervous. Backstage, he practiced
his line, over and over again, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar! Hark,
I hear the cannons roar!"
Jacob was given his cue and went on stage. He hears a loud BOOM, and yells,
"WHAT WAS THAT?"
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Moon Land
"During the space program, the Apollo astronauts practiced 'moon-walking'
in the Southwestern deserts. The strange sight of the space-suited figures
wandering around the landscape attracted several Indians. One of them
could speak English, and the officials in charge told him what they were
doing. When he informed the others, one old man wanted to write a message
to send to the moon. The NASA people humored him, and he scratched out
a message. When the other Indians read it, they smiled, but didn't say
anything. The NASA people couldn't read it, since it was in Indian, and
they finally had to resort to paying a willing Indian- for whom they had
to search, since most refused- to tell them what it said. The note said,
'Watch out for these people! They're coming to take your land!'"
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Tom Jones
A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing
the 'Green, Green Grass of Home'."
"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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Religion Debate
A man was being proselytized by group of friends: "Come join our
study group. We want to discuss mankind's relationship to God."
"I'm married; I learned long ago that my opinions don't matter."
"But, when you die, will you go to heaven or to hell?"
"Wherever my wife tells me to."
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Texas Tech
Three Texans go to Mexico to get drunk and pass out while in the foreign
country. They wake up the next morning in jail. They ask the guards what
they are in for and one guard says the only thing he knows is that they
were to be executed for their crimes. Well the day of execution comes
and the first guy gets strapped to the electric chair. The guard asks
if he has any last words. The guy says "I'm from Baylor University
and I beleive in the almighty power of god to prevail on the innocent."
The guard flips the switch and nothing happens so they let him go.
The next guy gets strapped in and the gaurd asks for his last words. He
says "I'm from Texas Tech and I believe in the almighty power of
justice to prevail on the innocent." The guard flips the switch and
nothing happens so they let him go.
The next guy is brought in and he says "I'm a Texas Aggee eletrical
engineer and I'm telling you, you'll never electrocute no one if you don't
connect those two wires."
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Give Me A Push
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls
over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not
getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?"
says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He
opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take
the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the
man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what
happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that
night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up
from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us
started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't
matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the
Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere
he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice
cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger
he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
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Old People Problems
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning
at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and
I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have
a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight
I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine!"
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Four Employees
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody,
and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked
to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have
done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody
thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't
do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what
Anybody could have done.
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Strange
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his
selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on
it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can’t do that," replied the stonecutter.
"In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in
the same grave. However, I could put ‘here lies an honest lawyer."
"But that won’t let people know who it is," protested
the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will
read it and exclaim "That’s Strange!"
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Working People in the U.S.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed
by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million
are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take
from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government
and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in
Prisons. That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're
just sitting there reading jokes all day!
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A $5,000 Loan?
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown
NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan
officer, taken aback, requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce," the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground
parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in
principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man
wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the
loan officer said, "while you were gone I learned that you are a
millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The
man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in Manhattan
for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
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Lost watch
One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands
and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked
the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he
had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist.
The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and
began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes
without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped.
"About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why,"
the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if
you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The
light is a lot better here."
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Don't cheat! Because if you do, the test will not be any fun.
There are no tricks to the test.
Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Important, count them ONLY ONCE:
do not go back and count them again.
See below... Answer below:
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi, this is George.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
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